Some days I feel more autistic, have more melt downs and struggle more. I don’t know why sometimes it is just the way it is! I know it must drive my family and friends crazy when I am like that but I really can’t help it. As sometimes it could be because I have socialised too much and I need space especially when I am work it can all be too much a complete sensory overload it the small talk I struggle with the most or compliments I don’t know what to say and my brain is rushing around maybe thinking why are they talking to me when they know it’s break time and I am in the queue for a cup of tea and I need to make sure I don’t spill the hot water or the milk and then I notice someone has left a teabag on the side or they haven’t emptied their dirty cup and I haven’t got time now or maybe I notice their hair so then I don’t focus on what is being said, or they might say a word and I start thinking about that word and what it relates to rather than what they are saying. I also either look at their mouths so I can lip read even though I don’t need too or I look at their eyes because that’s what you suppose to do, then I feel awkward because maybe I am staring now and shouldn’t, then my face twitches or I have the wrong facial expression or I notice their facial expression, am I boring them with my answer or they look at something else and I look where they are looking or am I in the way of someone, it’s noisy and I can’t focus or hear or I hear too much – sometimes it is just too much information running through my head.
I need peace and quiet a lot of the time and struggle with being a work colleague and also a mum and having patience and time, especially when things at work mount up. I can juggle things as long as I can plan for it and only for a certain amount of time and then I have a complete melt down when things are sprinted on me or I don’t understand what is being asked of me and then afterwards after I’ve reacted badly and then thought it processed it, I am fine and can carry on once I have given myself time to calm down. It’s my brains way of saying come on Kirilynn give yourself and break and go and rest! It’s too much at the moment.
I should listen to that more often but being autistic I don’t see the warnings or the pressure until it is too late and have that melt down, to the point I can see myself and hear myself saying something inappropriate or I glitch as my son and I say, but I can’t stop and then I emotionally crumble and it’s too late!
I also find it hard to relax, I’ve mentioned this in a previous blog. It’s difficult to completely switch off to relax, I really wish I could but it is really tough to do so. I have to immerse myself into something and this is a coping strategy that I have created along the years. As a child I would constantly set things up to the point I never got to play I used to plan and prepare everything so carefully that when it was time to go to bed or tidy up I never left time to enjoy the play part.
I sort of got used to that really, so when I can have time to enjoy what I have prepared or planned, I simply can’t. I also think it is because throughout the day I try with all my energy to keep going not to crack not to appear too odd. I’m scared to relax because if I relax I am myself and not sure how people are with that.
My brain is constantly whirling and ticking over, humming thoughts bouncing around and jumping up and down. It drives me crazy some days so I listen to heavy metal music to be able to switch off to fill my head with other noise. It helps a lot, I love Metallica for that reason as it drowns out my thoughts and replaces them with music.
I’ve passed that coping strategy on to my son too he likes ACDC as it has the same effect of drowning out the constant humming thoughts.
My thoughts are random they jump from one thing to another all of the time. I finish conversations off in my head and it drives my poor husband crazy as well as my work colleagues I am sure!
I have a lot of days like these!…