Different…

Different…

Someone asked me how I’m different, and to be honest I don’t know anymore. I have always felt different slightly out of the loop. On the edge looking in – I hate the way I feel I don’t fit in I try but I always feel on the outside even when I know I’m not. I don’t really think anyone really understands me and to be really honest I don’t think I really understand myself and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t use my autism as an excuse but it really does override my emotions and I hate it for that. 

I feel an outsider in my own body and that’s really different. It’s all the social ques the social etiquettes and the social norms I just don’t get them, I know them but when I’m in them I don’t get it. I struggle and want to hide I always feel I am cutting my nose of to spite my face I can even hear and see me do this but can’t seem to stop it at the time. It’s only later I think of for goodness sake why!?! It’s like my ASD takes over at that point I can be really unpredictable in a routined way?! and those living with me struggle the most. I can see it on their faces and that hurts, all I really want is someone to say it’s ok and to give me a hug when I go off on one and to help me through it. I feel I have been battling and fighting my whole life and sometimes I want someone else to do that for me to take charge and just help me. But I’m my own worst enemy and I can’t let people in to help so people just leave me be.

I get so low and so down and sometimes I struggle to get back up. It’s a hard thing to say and a hard thing to write really but if I don’t I get consumed by it more. So it helps seeing it in black and white. 

Even when I fit in I don’t feel like it and I should. I feel like people get fed up of me and I don’t know what to do. I feel lonely surrounded by people and it hurts. I have friends and good ones at that but I miss a best friend someone to confide everything to and to share the highs and lows I just don’t want to burden people with my silly worries! 

Maybe in the new year I should learn to be me the real different me and just let people in?!

Social justification 

Social justification 

I really hate going out I get so nervous on the run up to going out. I enjoy it once I have time to adjust to my surroundings and a couple of drinks help before that I real do struggle and I don’t think people realise it’s hard to really as sometimes it looks like I’m enjoying it, it’s my social filter it’s way off! 

I don’t want to go out and then I will change my mind about a hundred times and it can be frustrating for family and friends I know but I can’t help it I really do worry to the point it makes me feel ill.

I feel guilty about going out and then I feel guilty about staying in, it’s that people pleasing thing I try to please everyone and it’s myself that gets all stressed and nervous about it!! 
It’s where I have to be me, be the real Kirilynn, and sometimes I really struggle with who I am, I’m worried people will judge me and think that I am odd, or won’t like me and I think it goes back to childhood where I was bullied and had a difficult relationship with my mum. I never felt in control or that it was good being me I was always told I was different and it made me want to stand out in a good way, it made me more determined to work hard. I think I never became happy with me due to my mums illness and I work hard because I feel that I have to work hard to forget all the things in the past and not be like that vicious cycle and brake away from it, it’s almost working hard makes me feel of use and that I am justifying myself as a person. I’ve always had to work hard and feel bad I missed opportunities in the past because of circumstances. So that’s why I focus so hard on working hard now sometimes to the detriment of myself. It’s an odd situation really.

I feel like in social situations I struggle and cut my nose if to spite my face and that I ruin things because I find it difficult so it’s better not to do it, or for people not to bother. But when they do it means the world to me as I feel like I am worthy. 
I don’t like being penned in, eating in front of people or being around people, it sounds horrible but I’m normally very tired and fatigued with trying so hard to fit in that I feel panicky and awkward. It’s a sensory thing I hate hearing people eat too and general noise can be an issue for me, I’m over sensitive with noise, light and sensory overload or the way people speak or the way people are.

Recently I went to a concert I never buy carer or disabled tickets because I feel bad at taking that space away from someone who needs it, but the matter of fact is I do need it but can’t accept this. I managed to get my seats moved to the edge of an aisle and that made me feel a lot better but it was people around me that made me feel uncomfortable.

I have panic attacks and feel claustrophobic and struggle with people as I can’t predict how they are going to react. It sounds daft when you say it out loud but I really do struggle with this. I’m worried I might say something wrong or do something wrong or get caught up in a situation, that social chit chat is hard too I have to try and listen and take note of what people say I get confused with names even though I know people I self doubt my memory!! 

I just feel awkward and in the verge of meltdown which again sounds daft but my meltdowns are like when I get agitated and panic so I have to leave it’s hard to explain I sort of loose my patience and react in a way that is rude at times and I can see myself doing and saying these things but I can’t seem to do anything about it. I know this frustrates my husband and family a great deal!! 

I’m better when I have my son with me as I know he has difficulties like me so it is easier to put all my focus on him and help him that I forget about myself, but I can’t always take my son with me!! 
I much prefer to stay in play games and snuggle on the sofa but I know that you have to go out and do things so I try really hard but I don’t like it deep down but know I will if I went out and my husband says if I stop going out I won’t get asked again and then this hurts as sometimes I don’t want to go out but I hate not being asked because I like to feel included. I work so many hours that I am always verging on burn out so that’s why when I am off I want to hibernate.

I feel bad about family gatherings and especially Christmas because I’m not in control I don’t know when things are going to happen there is no structure no routine and I think that is the main problem really and that I never did that as a child so those building blocks are not there.

I’m ok if I’m organising it because I am then in control, but if I’m just a guest I’m not in control and I don’t know what to do, I think it’s because I don’t know how to be me or how to relax and unwind. I feel like I have to busy to keep going to feel useful. 

Writing it down makes me realise that, is my main issue, I need to feel that I am helping in some way that I have to justify myself being there or being invited I find it hard that people like me or want me there and I feel like I have to constantly justify myself to others.