Someone asked me how I’m different, and to be honest I don’t know anymore. I have always felt different slightly out of the loop. On the edge looking in – I hate the way I feel I don’t fit in I try but I always feel on the outside even when I know I’m not. I don’t really think anyone really understands me and to be really honest I don’t think I really understand myself and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t use my autism as an excuse but it really does override my emotions and I hate it for that.
I feel an outsider in my own body and that’s really different. It’s all the social ques the social etiquettes and the social norms I just don’t get them, I know them but when I’m in them I don’t get it. I struggle and want to hide I always feel I am cutting my nose of to spite my face I can even hear and see me do this but can’t seem to stop it at the time. It’s only later I think of for goodness sake why!?! It’s like my ASD takes over at that point I can be really unpredictable in a routined way?! and those living with me struggle the most. I can see it on their faces and that hurts, all I really want is someone to say it’s ok and to give me a hug when I go off on one and to help me through it. I feel I have been battling and fighting my whole life and sometimes I want someone else to do that for me to take charge and just help me. But I’m my own worst enemy and I can’t let people in to help so people just leave me be.
I get so low and so down and sometimes I struggle to get back up. It’s a hard thing to say and a hard thing to write really but if I don’t I get consumed by it more. So it helps seeing it in black and white.
Even when I fit in I don’t feel like it and I should. I feel like people get fed up of me and I don’t know what to do. I feel lonely surrounded by people and it hurts. I have friends and good ones at that but I miss a best friend someone to confide everything to and to share the highs and lows I just don’t want to burden people with my silly worries!
Maybe in the new year I should learn to be me the real different me and just let people in?!