It’s coming to the time of year where it is Autism Awareness and it’s an odd one for me really. It’s been almost a year since my own diagnosis and I still feel overwhelmed by it at times.
It just all makes sense to me like a huge weight off my shoulders but then at the same time I am so frustrated by it, it weighs me down.
It’s like being trapped in my own mind where I can see the words and acts travelling in front of me and I can’t seem to get it right.
Life at times Is far too bright, too loud, too cramped, too detailed, too crowded, too vivid, too intense and just sometimes just far too much.
I feel that one day or one week shouldn’t be acceptance of autism it shouldn’t take that to make people understand and realise how I feel I can feel it see it everyday why can’t they?
Because they don’t live my life and the over sensitivity of what life is.
It is hard to try and make people understand as it is a difficult task when some days I don’t understand myself, let alone trying to make the world understand autism!
I feel too much, I see too much I am too much.
I get tired over tired that I can’t sleep, I can’t switch off, I do too much because I don’t know when to stop, I have to keep going so I don’t stop. It’s just madness it doesn’t make sense. People often say to me I don’t know how you do it all but to be honest if I didn’t I would break. I feel that if I don’t plan things I don’t get things done and if I’m not planning and doing I crack. But I also need to stop and hibernate I struggle with too much interaction I need my own company and my own time to think and readdress life, but sometimes I need help with that I need people to stay to me just stop take time and just be. Just be you, your ok.
I’m worried I will crack if I keep going like this but worried I will crack if I don’t! I need some one to say stop sometimes. I feel on the edge or at the brink of just cracking completely.
It like I need the world to stop so I can take a step off, breathe and then get back on. I need that breathing space to function.
But I also feel if I stop I might never start again and that worries me. I feel fragile that someday a I might shatter.
But my autism makes me determined and that drive to get things done and I try harder than I should to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked to be just me, but sometimes it is at a cost to myself.
But would I take it away? No as it is me and I am it whether I like it or not.
I just have to embrace it, learn my strategies and coping blocks to get through each day and you know what, some days my autism makes me awesome!