It’s that time of year when you have to go out of the house! I can’t blame the weather and hibernate….I have to adapt to the world outside my four walls!
For me leaving the house can be an ordeal it’s a sensory overload and just so many people, smells, sounds and goings on I can literally hear everything the conversation of the two people across the road, the closing of shop doors, the scrapping of chair legs on the pavement outside the pub as I walk past. The smells of the market and the sellers shouting about strawberries, the traffic light crossing, the hum of the traffic in the distance, the crying child and the parents laughing, the girls chattering and the door banging and the scrapping of chairs and the market sounds…..it’s on loop it’s filling my head over and over again.
To block it out I focus on things I try and look at the floor the lines or the shapes and make up a pattern or I think of something that I need, so I can focus on that instead like a list of shops to go in before going home to buy something specific so that way I have a focus on that instead but then I get too focused on that I forget what’s going on around me. It does works sometimes. I also get worried about meeting people today I had to meet friends and I had the family with me so that was better, Dan drove so that’s one less thing to worry about. I worry about parking, about remembering the route or the specific journey what if an ambulance needs to get by and I’m in the way or I startled by the sirens or someone steps out in front of me. I’m constantly over thinking. I haven’t been out properly in over a week in terms of lots of public so that’s when I’m at my worst really I’m also on holiday from work so haven’t had lots of people around either. I can’t sleep at the moment as I’m worried about going back to work it’s daft really because I love work! But it’s the unknown the changes that might have happened the getting back into a routine as I’m now in a slightly different one so it’s going to take me a while to adapt to people again! Today I was physically shaking which is crazy but I kept talking and blocking it out – I’ve learnt coping strategies over the years sometimes I’m better at it depends on the day! I have to learn to block out the world so I can be in it! I’m learning more about myself each day depending on the day some are good and some are not but that’s who I am now and have always been, just now with a diagnosis I have an idea why and it sort of helps. But I do feel alone sometimes, alone surrounded by people which I know sounds daft but it’s difficult to explain really.
I’ve got to remember that to help my social anxieties I have to block out the world but not block out every thing around me, I have to open my eyes sometimes and see the world to help my social anxieties….! 😂😖😂 what’s that expression “you cant see the wood for the trees”?