My thoughts have been more jumbled of late and I’ve overthought things so much that I haven’t written them down, I’ve been scared too and this doesn’t help. I need that release of words to get them out of my head to help in an odd way. I can’t pick up that phone and chat things through to someone who really understands, whose known me my entire life because I don’t have that, no sister (I don’t talk to her anymore) or mother (she died over 11 years ago) that gets me for who I truly am. I have friends but I don’t want to burden them because it seems silly, I don’t want to burden people with my quirks because I don’t truly understand them myself so how can I expect others to understand them or help me through, and to be honest why should they? People have too much going on in their own lives, to be occupied with mine. I like writing down my thoughts and sharing them because it’s like picking up a phone and speaking to my sister or my mum about random stuff and that it sort of helps me. I also wrote because of other people with autism that may feel the same way and if I was reading this I would be saying to myself, thank goodness I’m not the only one, someone else is like that too. It’s also easier for me to verbalise this way so that when I do have a bad day or withdraw myself, in my head I think people will get it because I have written about it and then in my mind I feel like I’ve explained it so it’s ok, it’s like a pass to express myself, and then I don’t feel too guilty about being down – in an odd sense!
I stoped writing because someone complained about it and that made me feel very sad, not because of the complaint as such but the fact that they knew I was having a bad time and knew I needed support because they read through the lines but instead of asking me if I’m ok? They got someone else to check – they couldn’t check on me in a human contact way and I so would have preferred them to say, are you ok I’m here. Then that reach out, would have helped me explore whatever I needed rather than make things more complicated and make me lose my voice for a while.
I share these posts with online groups so I can reach out to others like me and, I read other people’s ramblings and it helps me it really does, so I’m not going to stop writing I’m going to carry on and if your reading this thinking oh my goodness here she goes again Kirilynn and her autism, well don’t read on…
I share these thoughts hoping it may be of use to others but the most important thing is it helps me rationalise them. I re read I edit and then I can process it making me to self regulate things, then I can switch off and sleep. It’s a bit like a to do list once you have written it you feel better that you know what you need to do.
I still have low days and bad days but I hide them or I hide away. I get physically and mentally exhausted with just the simple things of listening for a long time, focusing for long periods my mind wanders off as I connect things from one thing to another in a random order that it takes me off on a tangent then I have to do things in order to then get back on track, like hoovering the house or tidying a cupboard when really I should be doing something else. I need those rest breaks those movements to re focus me to get me back on track.
What keeps me going my job, my children and my husband. I would be lost without the structure of these but I also need time for me to lock myself away and shut it the world so I can re focus and get back on track. So if I rush off or don’t spend time with you it’s not because I’m being awkward or rude it’s simply because I’ve in overload and I need to switch off, or need to process things quietly with no one else around. I don’t mean to be antisocial I just find it hard to socialise I have anxiety that makes it difficult unless it’s pre planned and pre organised, and I know what is happening and I’ve planned the route, the time how I’m getting there why I’m going and what I’m doing, how long I’m staying for, how do I say I’m leaving, etc..